


Gently Stabbed

by mariadperiad20



Series: Foray into B99 [26]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Dad!Kevin, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Low Self-Esteem, Minor Injuries, Panic Attacks, bamf!amy, dad!holt, happyish ending, trigger warning: minor self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:27:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24638320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariadperiad20/pseuds/mariadperiad20
Summary: Jake was fine putting himself at risk for Cheddar - Holt had asked him to, and it was better than sending in Kevin.He was decidedly less fine with getting stabbed over it.request fic!
Relationships: Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago, Kevin Cozner/Ray Holt
Series: Foray into B99 [26]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1320137
Comments: 69
Kudos: 483





	1. Chapter 1

“Kevin was pleased that the two of you were able to exchange clothing back to previous attire.” Holt said stiffly.

Jake nodded hesitantly. The words seemed generic enough, but something felt… off. Holt wouldn’t have called him into his office just for this - and Kevin wouldn’t be standing there, too.

Holt’s eyes were boring holes into Jake, and the expression on his face… well, Jake wasn’t entirely sure what it was. If he didn’t know any better, it would look like anger, but he wasn’t sure why-

Oh.

Oh _fuck_.

Jake realized what this was about less than a second before Holt placed Kevin’s shirt onto the desk.

The patch of muddy, reddish brown blood evident on it.

It did look like a lot more blood than it was, considering it had seeped into and throughout the clothing so much. Still, Holt didn’t particularly look in the mood to debate semantics - shocking, since normally he loved debate - so instead Jake just kept his mouth shut and tried to keep his face neutral.

Which wasn’t working - he was sure Holt and Kevin could both see the fear on his face at having been caught.

It wasn’t like Jake had _meant_ to keep it a secret. He had just been so busy, and Holt had been so fixated on getting vengeance for Cheddar… Jake didn’t want to interfere.

But now, Holt was staring at him, evidence before them, and Jake felt nothing but fear.

“Why didn’t you inform us, Jacob?” Holt asked, voice accusatory.

Jake flinched at the words, biting down on his lip to conceal his unsteady breathing. Eyes casting to the floor, he mumbled something unintelligible.

“Peralta!” Holt slammed his fist onto the table - clearly shocking both Jake and Kevin as well as himself. He paused, taking a steadying breath. When he spoke again, it was authoritative, but calmer - deceptively so. “Peralta, you will explain yourself. Now.”

“I just… you said Cheddar was the most important thing for you, I didn’t want to distract from that.” Jake bit back the self-deprecating, slightly bitter _more important than me_ that was on his tongue. It wasn’t like it was fair of him to equate himself. Cheddar was part of their family, he was just a stupid subordinate with daddy issues-

Jake bit down on his lip harder to fight back those thoughts, ignoring the way the skin broke beneath his teeth. He deserved the pain, after all - he was just another cop, Holt might indulge him but he was never going to actually be his son, that was obvious, he didn’t know why he kept deluding himself just so he could get hurt over and over again as he got reminded of that simple truth.

Jake realized his eyes were wet, and he blinked rapidly, not wanting to cry and look even more pathetic in front of his d- not his dad, never his dad, Jake reminded himself harshly, fingers digging into the self-bandaged stab wound, half-relishing in the pain that surged through him at the action, just his captain, his superior officer, that was all, Jake didn’t have the right to claim otherwise, had the audacity to believe that he was ever going to get a father figure out of his wretched life.

“Jacob!” A firm hand was on his wrist, and Jake couldn’t help the flinch in response.

Kevin pulled Jake’s hand away from his torso, and Jake glanced down - blood had begun to seep through his shirt from where his nails had been gouging into his wound.

Kevin’s jaw worked for a moment. “You’re hurt.”

“It’s fine.” Jake said, trying to tug his arm free. Kevin’s grip made Jake’s wrist ache, from where the zip ties had dug far too sharply into his skin.

“Peralta,” Kevin’s voice was testy, and his grip on Jake’s wrist resolute, ignoring Jake’s attempts. “You can’t expect-”

“Let go.” Jake choked out quietly, voice cracking. “Please.”

Kevin blinked, confusion mixing with the concern on his face as his grip loosened.

Jake tried to pull away again, and this time, Kevin let him. Jake tucked his arms against himself, trying to get control over his breathing - having a fucking panic attack would be icing on the cake right about now - and watching the pair with wary eyes. Trying desperately to conceal the fear that tried to force its way onto his face.

Holt and Kevin exchanged a look, seeming to have a silent conversation, before Holt sat down behind his desk, Kevin taking up one of the chairs in front of it. Both of their postures were nonthreatening - and intentionally so, that much Jake could tell.

“Peralta, please, sit down.” Holt said, gesturing to the available seat.

Jake stared at it, seemingly unable to force his legs to move. He didn’t want to refuse - that would just lead to one of them trying to _make_ him move, and he didn’t want either of them to get any more upset with him.

He already felt ashamed enough for having forced Holt - and Kevin - to put up with his whiny, pathetic need to project parenthood onto them. He didn’t deserve the right to inconvenience them, not after wearing down their patience by following after them like a kicked puppy.

Jake slowly sat down into the chair, one hand gripping the armrest in a vice, the other still clutched over the slight red stain on his shirt - as if concealing it now would make them forget about it’s presence. He was sitting ramrod straight, trying not to shift - he could feel the wound settling back down after he - aggravated it. A stupid move - as if Captain Holt and Professor Cozner, PhD, wouldn’t notice that.

All Jake could hope for now was that they wouldn’t care enough to do anything about it.

“Peralta,” Holt rubbed at his eyes for a moment, suddenly looking tired. “You should have sought medical attention after Kingston got taken down.”

Jake remained silent.

“Why did you refrain from doing so?”

“Because you guys were busy,” Jake shrugged tensely. “Once Kingston was arrested, we wrapped everything up pretty quickly.” He didn’t want to sound accusatory, it was just a statement of fact.

After Holt had taken down Kingston, John-Wick-stylez, the priority had been getting back to Cheddar. Holt had left the perp to the beat cops and taken off in a rush - Jake had gotten a lift from a random beat cop who dropped him off back at the station.

Jake had planned to go to the hospital eventually - after work, in fact, since he knew that Amy would make him sleep on the couch if she found out he hadn’t - but he’d wanted to give Kevin his clothes back first.

Which is where they now were.

Great.

“Peralta…”

“I was going to go after work.” Jake grumbled, crossing his arms and trying to hide a wince.

Holt spotted it instantly, of course. When he spoke, his voice was uncharacteristically gentle.

“Jacob, how precisely have you been injured?”

Jake chewed at his lip, regretting the action when the metallic taste of blood spilled onto his tongue.

After a beat of silence, in which Holt stared impassively at Jake and Jake tried not to fidget, Holt leaned forwards, picking up the landline phone and pressing a button on it.

“Officer Gomez - yes, thank you, Cheddar is safe and sound - please send a medic up to my office.” He placed the phone back into its rest with a click, before sitting back, continuing to stare down Jake.

“I don’t need medical attention.” Jake said defensively, albeit weakly. He didn’t really know how to explain himself further - they both wanted him to get checked out, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to convince them otherwise.

Instead, he just sat, tense, as Kevin and Holt looked at him.

“Jacob,” Kevin said, - and wait, Kevin was using his first name? Since when? - “It was never our intention for our devotion to Cheddar to result in your injury.”

“Yeah, well, like I said, it’s fine.” Jake replied, “Apology accepted. Can I go now?”

“Not until the medic checks you out.” Holt said firmly.

Jake’s gaze fell back to Kevin’s bloody shirt. Shit. He’d cleaned his blood off the vest, but somehow had forgotten about the shirt underneath. Some cop he was, right?

“I’ll get you a new one, Kev.” Jake said suddenly.

“What?” Kevin seemed startled.

“A shirt. I’ll get you another one.”

“That’s… not what’s important.” Kevin said slowly, as if he didn’t quite understand the statement. “We’re worried about you, at the moment.”

“Oh. Why?” Jake frowned. Part of him was legitimately confused - they had told him, to his face, that he didn’t so much as hold a candle of importance to them as their dog - and another part was secretly hoping that they would give some hint of actual affection for him. As if a few kind words would be enough to fill the void Roger Peralta had carved out of him with fists and drink.

“You’re hurt, and it is imperative that you receive treatment for the injuries sustained.”

“Injuries sustained while recovering Cheddar.” Holt clarified.

Jake smiled tightly. “Yeah, well, like you guys said, Cheddar’s the most important thing to you, so… it was an easy trade, right?”

Holt looked away, and Jake could have sworn he saw a flash of guilt cross his face.

“Sorry, I didn’t-”

“No, no. It’s true. I put your life at risk to save Cheddar. We bargained your safety for his, and… well, now you’ve been injured because of it.”

Kevin made a noise as if to speak, when the sound of the office door opening made him stop.

“Captain Holt, I’m the medic you requested. Should I radio to the hospital, or-?”

“I have not decided at this time.” Holt said to the medic, before turning to Jake. His tone was firm, but still tinged with that possibly-guilt. “Detective Peralta, you will allow this man to treat you.”

Jake made a face, before asquiceising. “Fine. But only if you don’t take me off work.”

“I will not agree to those terms.”

Jake stood up, and a wave of dizziness crashed over him, legs nearly buckling under him. Blinking rapidly, in an attempt to clear the spots from his vision, Jake made to leave.

Hands pushed him back into the chair, one hand landing squarely on his shoulder, and Jake choked out a moan of pain, jerking away from the intrusion.

The hand vanished, and Jake took in shaky, unsteady breaths. The spots cleared from his vision, to show him that now all three others had moved. The medic was now in front of him, Holt was… crouching by his side, it seemed, and Kevin was hovering half-behind him, his hand resting on the back of Jake’s chair.

“Oops.” Jake said with an unsteady attempt at a grin, one hand gripping the armrest so hard he felt it might snap.

Holt and Kevin exchanged another look.

“You stay here, Peralta, and let the medic look you over. Kevin and I will wait in the bullpen.”

“You’re leaving?” Jake asked, unable to fully conceal the burst of anxiety at being left alone.

“We don’t want you to be uncomfortable.” Kevin said, voice stiff.

“I… wouldn’t be uncomfortable.” Jake said awkwardly, “But, I mean, if you guys are, then…” Jake trailed off, trying to refrain from chewing on his already damaged lip any further.

“If you have no preference, then we will remain.” Kevin said firmly.

Jake nodded, before turning and finally giving a once over to the medic.

She was looking at him neutrally, with a slight edge of softness - she felt bad, he thought, that he was so clearly uncomfortable - that was most likely a practiced expression.“Can you remove your shirt?” She asked, voice thick with a Jersey accent. She was distinctly matronly, and she seemed to straddle the line between severe and maternal - like she would bake cookies for her kids, but tackle a resisting patient in the same hour.

Jake tried to think of a quip to respond with, but was unable to - instead, just unbuttoning his shirt and, grimacing, sliding it over his shoulders.

Holt made a noise in his throat, attempting to conceal it with a cough. A slight squeak from the chair backing texture being pressed more tightly was the only reaction from Kevin.

Jake forced a grin to his face. “The manscaping is that bad, huh?”

A self-administered piece of gauze that was haphazardly taped over the gash on his torso was stained with red. Surrounding it was angry red, bruising skin - already halfway on its way to turning purple. His left shoulder, too, was a mottled mess of various shading of bruises, recent enough that they hadn’t gone purple, either - although it was practically darkening before their eyes.

“Is this everything?” The medic asked, appraising.

Jake nodded, but Holt interjected, “His wrists are injured as well.”

At the medic’s stare, Jake begrudgingly pushed up his sleeves - he kept his shirt half-over his back and arms, just open in the front and exposed at the shoulder - and showed the medic the deep, parallel cuts that encircled his entire wrist, courtesy of the zip-ties being much too tight - the ones on his right still marking a sluggish trail of blood down his arm that ended somewhere beneath his shirtsleeve.

The medic’s eyebrow twitched, but her expression remained unchanged. Jake supposed she’d seen worse, but he still watched her warily as she opened her medical bag and began pulling out supplies.

Jake was doing fine.

He was fine when she peeled off the sodden gauze and tossed it into a bag, fine when she prodded around it and sent little slivers of pain radiating from where her gloved fingers touched. He was even fine when she began to clean it - more of a slash than a stab, so there wasn’t a lot to do for that, apparently - but then.

Jake wasn’t sure what happened. He had been doing fine, he had everything under control. But for some reason, something - he didn’t know what, nothing had changed, she was doing the same thing she’d been doing a second ago, Kevin and Holt were still where they had been a moment before - something had changed.

Jake was… not afraid, no. Terrified.

Shit. Not now.

But try as he might, he couldn’t seem to get his body to stop shaking, or his breathing to stop ratcheting shorter and shorter. He was suddenly, intensely aware of the medic’s touch, his entire body seeming to go numb except for the pinpoints of pain marked across him.

He was vaguely aware of his body shaking - no, trembling - so much so that he could no longer seem to feel anything except the shaking. Slowly, however, he became aware of the sound of voices - he couldn’t get his brain to focus on the words, but he recognized the speaker as Holt.

Jake tried to pull himself back into awareness, focusing on his breathing to force it back under control. He kept his eyes fixed on the small Cheddar figurine on Holt’s desk, waiting for the world to come back into focus and stop spotting out of his control.

“Jacob, son, you need to breathe.”

“No shit.” Jake snapped between gasps for breath, nerves on edge from being so out of control. “Sorry,” He added after a moment, closing his eyes and counting in an attempt to regain some measure of composure.

“That’s quite alright.” Kevin replied.

“You should move back.” Holt said quietly, although Jake wasn’t entirely sure to who.

After what seemed like an eternity, he was able to get his breathing under control, slowly blinking a couple of times before turning his head.

Holt had moved closer, and Kevin was now within Jake’s line of sight as well. The medic, meanwhile, had put some distance between herself and him - oh, that must have been who Holt was speaking to - and Jake couldn’t help but feel slightly less stressed at that extra bit of space.

“Son, are you alright?” Holt asked, almost sympathetically.

“You seemed to become unaware for a moment.” Kevin said.

“I just spaced out for a sec.” Jake shook his head, “‘m fine.”

“You still need to finish receiving your medical aid.” Holt said.

Jake felt his face go, somehow, even paler - and judging by Kevin’s and Holt’s expressions, they noticed it too.

“Jacob, it is important you have the injuries taken care of.” Kevin said softly, “Please.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay, just… I know, just, yeah. I know, yeah.” Jake muttered, glaring at the bloody strips from the zip ties as it would magically heal under his stare.

Unfortunately, they did not - leaving Jake little choice on the matter.

With a groan of irritation, he shoved his wrists back towards the medic. “Just get it over with,” He grumbled.

The medic reapproached, gently nudging his hands away to get back to properly bandaging up his torso wound. She had already done most of it, so it was just a few moments - Jake breathing carefully in order to not start spiralling again - until she was finished.

“Almost done, sweetie,” She said gently, hands gentle on his skin. Oh, man, she was definitely going the maternal route for him - it was a little embarrassing on its face, but at the same time Jake was slightly relieved that he hadn’t earned her wrath. “I just need to finish up these wrists, okay? And then I’m done.”

One hand held his forearm, the other wrapping the bandages around his wrist, securing it with a professional tape job. The other was bandaged in short succession, and then she was no longer touching him.

“All done.” She said, “You’ll…”

Jake wasn’t listening to her. He quickly pulled his shirt back on, haphazardly buttoning it up so his injuries were no longer on display. Once they were hidden from view, felt some of his nerves ebb away, finally allowing himself to relax ever so slightly As he looked down, he noticed his buttons were not in the proper order, but he didn’t care - he just wanted to leave.

When he looked back up, the medic was looking at him, clearly waiting for something.

“Sorry, what?” He asked.

“I was giving you instructions for taking care of your injuries, to prevent infection.”

Kevin spoke up, “Raymond and I both comprehended your instructions. We can relay them later on.”

“Indeed. You may go.” Holt added.

The medic seemed distinctly unimpressed, but left without complaint. Jake felt bad, but he was sure Holt would write a commendable letter to her boss later on, as he normally did.

Still, once the door clicked after her, Jake let out a shaky breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, shoulders slumping. One of his hands migrated to the others’ wrist, trying to pick at the edge of the bandages but finding no loose end - the medic had done an unfairly good job - and instead tugging at his shirtsleeve, twisting the bloodied edge of it under his fingers.

“Jacob,” One hand was at his, stopping the action.

His head shot up, tired eyes meeting Kevin’s worried ones.

“Please, Jacob. Leave it be.”

Jake nodded, hand falling back to his lap. He didn’t have his usual manic energy, didn’t feel the need to move or react or _do_ anything. Didn’t even feel like talking, much, but instead just sat, silently. Unable or unwilling to speak, he didn’t know. He was just so tired.

Kevin and Holt exchanged another look, before Holt turned back to face Jake.

“Son, we are going to drive you home.”

Jake nodded, slowly getting to his feet - mostly able to contain the stagger at doing so, but clearly not enough, as Holt’s eyes flicked back to Kevin once more.

The three left the building - Kevin and Holt seeming to materialize on either side of Jake - and went to Holt’s car.

Cheddar was sitting in the backseat, and Jake slid in next to him. The dog’s ears perked up, and his tail flopped a few times on the seat.

Jake felt a small smile come onto his face and patted him on the head gently.

He felt Kevin’s eyes on him from the rearview, but Jake ignored it. He was so tired.

Leaning back, he rested his head against the back, turning to look out the window at the smoggy sky. He closed his eyes for just a moment - he was tired, he’d open them back up in a second.

When Jake did, it was to a burst of cold air - he opened his eyes and shot upright, before groaning at the action, one hand wrapping around his abdomen as his body objected to the movement. He blinked a few times, before staring out the now-open car door.

The steps to his and Amy’s apartment seemed a chasm.

Still, he wasn’t going to cause a fuss. Jake hauled himself up, giving a goodbye pat to Cheddar, before walking towards his apartment - noting, but not commenting on, Kevin and Holt following after him. At his door, he fumbled with the keys, but the door opened before he’d even managed to get the correct one into the lock.

“Jake! I was starting to get worried, you missed Jeopardy.”

“Oh, no! Did you DVR it?” He asked, trying for a cheerful tone.

“Of course.” Amy seemed to notice Kevin and Holt for the first time. “Oh, Captain! Professor Cozner! I wasn’t expecting you, but- wiat.” Amy stepped back, looking over Jake critically.

Well, he probably should have done his buttons properly after all. Or tried to hide the bloodstains better.

“Jake, were you hurt?” She asked sharply.

“Only a little.”

“Let me get my shoes on, we’re going to the urgent care-”

“It is alright, Santiago.” Holt intervened, “Medic Jean Johnson took care of the injuries.”

“Injuries? _Plural_?” Amy's voice raised as she turned, pointing to the apartment. “All of you, inside, now. Jake, go to bed. Captain, you are going to give me a briefing. Professor, critique this paper I’m reading about feminism in horror movies.”

Kevin obligingly picked up the binder, flipping it open. Jake took the opportunity to book it, heading to the bed before his legs gave out. He did, at least, have the sense to take his shoes off - just because he was injured didn’t mean Amy wouldn’t get mad at him about it.

He laid down in the bed, eyes half-closed and not even bothering to take the pain medication Holt had, at some point, put into his hand, placing it haphazardly on the end table.

He was half-asleep when he heard Amy shout, voice partially muffled from travelling through the walls, “You let him get stabbed for your fucking _dog_? Holt, with all respect, _fuck you_!”

Huh. Jake was curious why Amy was upset enough to curse. Of course, he supposed she valued him as a human being.

Weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Total Requests_ : if you're still taking requests, could you write a one-shot where jake got hurt when he was kidnapped in 7x12 and no one realised until kevin sees blood on the clothes jake borrowed. then loads of kevin, holt and jake fluff. i love your fics :) sorry if it doesn't make sense _and_ hey i love your writing! can I request a fic with some more Jake angst and holt/kevin helping him? it’s cliche but im a sucker for the found family feelz!
> 
> i have an issue with this episode actually, i thought it was sorta dark how holt laughed when jake said that he cared about him in regards to cheddar? like jake & holt worked for a long time to have this father/son thing, but then to have jake see that he is literally *laughable* compared to their pet? like idk that kinda pissed me off/fucked me up a little more than i think the show intended.
> 
> also: a reminder that B99 are fictionalized police, and that they would be teargassing protesters if they were real. (edit: or suspended/fired)


	2. Chapter 2

Holt and Kevin were standing in Amy and Jake’s living room. Normally, she would be over the moon about that - while her idolatry of Holt had long since faded into mutual respect, she still rarely got to talk nerdy with Kevin. Instead, she was fuming, waiting to make sure Jake was asleep before rounding on them.

“What the fuck?” She whispered furiously, as Holt and Kevin glanced at each other, “What the _fuck_ were you thinking?”

If they had thought she would have calmed by now from when they had first told her, they were gravely mistaken.

“Cheddar was kidnapped-”

“I know what happened!” She cut off Kevin immediately, temper boiling, purposefully ignoring Holt’s eye twitch at that, “I didn’t ask that. I asked, what. The fuck. Were. You. Thinking? Since you are too incompetent to-!” She stopped herself - she still felt the need to be at least somewhat polite, despite everything, - before rephrasing, “Since you aren’t answering the question, let me clarify it. What were you thinking that led you to allow my husband to risk his life?” As Holt opened his mouth, she quickly added, “Over something outside of his job requirements.”

Amy was glaring at Holt, daring him to try to defend himself.

To his credit, he didn’t - instead he just frowned.

“I felt that Jacob was most equipped to handle the situation. Also, he would be willing to take the risk.”

“So you abused your position.” Amy replied coldly.

Holt’s left eyebrow shifted downwards - he was indignant. “Hardly, it was within departmental regulations-”

“I don’t mean our jobs, Captain. He sees you like a father - you _know_ that so don’t even try to deny it - and you used that position to get him to risk his life for your pet. How do you think that makes him feel? To know that you, the man he considers a parental figure, values a fucking _animal_ over him!” Amy’s voice was slowly raising, anger only seeming to build up on itself with no sign of it abating.

Kevin stepped in, trying to distill some of the tension building between his husband and Amy. “What would you have suggested our course of action be, then? Since Cheddar was kidnapped, based on a police matter, in the 99th precinct, what alternative option can you provide?”

He wasn’t trying to trick her, Amy knew, his question was genuine - as an academic, it made sense for him to ask. He did legitimately want to know what alternative she could offer.

Amy hesitated, anger slightly flagging - phrased like that, it was slightly harder to keep up her righteous anger.

“For one thing, you could have told all of us. You know how he gets when he’s doing cases, you know he’d agree to things that are too dangerous.And isolating him from the rest of the team isn’t fair, one of us could have thought of something better! Or, even if we did end up doing your plan,” She added, “We would’ve made sure he didn’t get abducted and taken to a secondary. Made sure he didn’t get _injured_.”

Oh, there it was - her anger was back in full force, again. She embraced her rage - she needed it, clung to it to avoid having Holt or Kevin talk her into accepting their actions.

“The fact that you only found him because of a mistake, because you forgot about some dog trackers - that’s unreasonable! If he hadn’t - if you’d emptied your pockets before exchanging clothes or something, he’d be gone. He could be dead, or being hurt! He certainly wouldn’t be sleeping in his bed. And it would be your fault. But of course, you don’t care about him, after all. Not as much as your fucking dog. So, his being hurt and killed wouldn’t matter to you. Because you did the math and decided that Cheddar’s life was worth more than Jake’s. I suppose it’s too much to ask for a Captain to care more about a member of his team and the man who views him as a father than their dog. At least, a Captain like you, anyway.”

Amy was out of breath by the time she was done. The weight of her words were actually hitting herself a bit more than she had anticipated. She brought up one hand to wipe at her eyes, “I can’t believe you would have let someone kill my husband for your dog.”

Holt was staring at her silently, mouth slightly open. Kevin was suddenly, deeply interested in the woodwork of her floor - which, actually, she would normally have loved to talk to him about. But not tonight. And, quite frankly, probably not after this night either.

After a moment, Holt spoke. “It is true of you to say that… I did the math. But it was not as simple as life versus life. Jacob was not supposed to be captured. Then, if he had been, I evaluated that Jacob was more likely to be able to defend himself. As a detective, he has training for these-”

“Bullshit.” Amy spat, “I get that. But I know you. At some point you did evaluate it. And you made a decision-”

“No, I did not!” Holt interrupted her right back, voice raising for the first time during this entire encounter. Kevin visibly started, raising an eyebrow at his husband. Holt lowered his voice again. “My apologies.” He said to Kevin, before facing Amy. “Santiago, I am an arrogant man. It is a known fact of myself, my fatal flaw and the aspect of myself that will inevitably strike me down. I did not contemplate Jacob being captured or injured because I believed that I, having orchestrated the recovery, was infallible. That the operation would go perfectly because _I_ was the one who planned it. Jacob being injured was not part of the equation because the thought of someone I was leading being injured was an absurd concept to me.”

Amy crossed her arms. “So you just… what, never even considered it?”

“No.” Holt shrugged. “I believed it would have gone impeccably.” Then, frowning, “I did not gamble Jacob’s life for Cheddar’s. If that had been something I considered… I would have taken a different course to involve more of the squad and negate that risk.” Holt was looking her dead in the eyes, with a rare amount of passion that she rarely saw. “I value Jacob’s life greatly, and would never intentionally have allowed him harm.”

Amy uncrossed her arms. “Look, i get what you’re saying, I really do. But that was selfish of you. And, I… I’m still furious with you. Even though it was unintentional, it still could’ve killed him. I don’t even know what to think.”

Holt being selfish reminded her far too much of Roger - it was a trend of father figures seeming to use Jake to their own ends, and while she was loathe to compare the two, she couldn't help the flicker of vindictiveness that urged her to do so anyway. She hated that so many people saw Jake as an asset, rather than as the person he was. And that it was too often someone he trusted, too.

“I am deserving of your fury.” Holt replied, oblivious to her inner monologue, “And I take full responsibility for my actions and inactions. If you would like us to take our leave of your residence, we will do so.”

Amy hesitated, then nodded. “Yeah, I think that would be best. I’m… I want to be with Jake, right now. I’ll see you at work, Captain. Professor Coszner.”

They went to the door, Kevin turning back for a moment to say, “Santiago, if I may suggest - when I am finding difficulty processing my thoughts, I find making a graph of information and emotions helps clarify things.”

“Thanks.”

Once the pair left, Amy latched the door, before going to the bedroom. Jake was still asleep, thankfully - she didn’t want him to have woken up during that whole thing, she knew he would defend his actions and not understand why it was wrong of Holt to have asked if of him. And, the fact that Holt had admitted to his arrogance putting Jake’s life at risk? Amy didn’t even want to think about it.

She’d make the graph chart tomorrow morning.

Amy curled against Jake, trying not to think about how he could have died. She could have lost him and not even known about it. Amy felt her anger morph into a sort of absolute sadness at the thought of him being gone. Of her never being able to hold him again.

She fought back tears, shoulders shaking, trying to remind herself that he was safe, he was alive, he was here in her arms.

He shifted, mumbling. "Ames?" He asked blearily, "Y're cold? Shakng." He tried to give her more of the blanket.

"No, I don't-" Then, seeing how he was practically asleep, just said, "Thanks, babe. I love you."

"Lve you t." Jake slurred, hands already going limp as he ventured back into sleep.

Amy closed her eyes, letting the warmth of extra blanket and Jake's body remind her that he was safe with her. And that he knew how much she loved him.

It would be enough. It _had_ to be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as requested, a part two of this fic! I love amy, she's a queen and you already know her respect about holt would vanish the moment he hurt/enabled the hurting of her husband.
> 
> i do legit think holt just didn't consider jake getting hurt in the first place in the episode, because otherwise he's a manipulative bad father equivalent to roger peralta and we can't have that! not when i have found family feels about holt and jake.
> 
> i love comments! they make me very happy :D


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